So where to start with this gem?
 

Well let's see here, I'll start with the actors and jump back and forth sporadically while trying to think of something. We got Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the kid from such screen gems as: 3rd Rock From The Sun which sucked, Mysterious Skin where he played a homosexual prostitute that was in a consensual sexual relationship when he was younger with his baseball coach and they raped another little leaguer. Brick which I actually liked quite a bit, and G.I. Joe: Rise of The Cobra where he really stretched his acting muscles and played the Cobra Commander. Excellent job by the way.

Next up is Geoffrey Arend who played the kid that took too many mushrooms in Super Troopers, Winston a mentally handicapped athlete in The Ringer, and Flipper Boy in Bubble Boy to mention a few classics. As usual he totally steals the show, with wild eyed antics, playing the role of the best friend, spewing profanity every few seconds, I started to wish this movie was more focused on this character.

Ahhhh…. Zooey what more can I say, sometimes, I just want to punch your face into a bleeding pulp underneath my knuckles, and sometimes I'd like to have a drink with you and discuss the little ordinary things… it's a real love/hate thing. She remind me of this girl I dated in High School and a few times in college. We'd drop a lot of acid, and she could give you this tripped out stare, deer in the headlights but knows whats going on, "WHAT THE FUCK" look, that would always make me chuckle and wonder why the fuck we were out in public in the first place. Zooey has that quality, I see it in her photos. So the question is, Would she drop some acid or smoke a joint with you? Under the right circumstances of course? It's not like you're just going to walk up and ask, not without a heavy dose of pepper spray coming at you, and the whole deal ending up on TMZ. Oh well, one can wish can't they?

 

In this scene they plan on gang banging that little girl, sick fucks. Well actually it's some sort of plot device that Tom Hansen's little sister Rachel can somehow act as a therapist and talk him down from whatever suicidal and destructive notions he's having over his breakup with Summer Finn. This is under-utilized and really adds nothing to the film what-so-ever. I liked her better as Mindy in Kick-Ass.
So let's get on with it. Tom Hansen, play by Joseph Gordon-Levitt works for a greeting card company, doesn't have much luck with women and one day starts crushing on the new girl at work. Yawn. The movie plays out in a non linear fashion going back and forth throughout their relationship of 500 days. You know right off that they have broken up, and I guess in a way, we are supposed to cheer on Tom as he tries to win her back. Oh and all of it is loosely based on some woman and a writers story with her. Right from the start I knew she wasn't going to get back together with him. She said she didn't want a relationship, doesn't believe in love and they were friends with benefits. Typical single behavior. She doesn't want to belong to "anyone" but really, he's just around to amuse her while she looks for something better. He wants more out of it, because he's severely attached, she half-heartily goes along with it for a bit, then finds someone better, gets married, and tells him to piss up a rope. Seriously, it's not that complicated, thats the gist of the whole film. But we get to watch him fumble around, cry to his friends, and act like a love sick preteen, then finally accept the fact that she doesn't want him or love him, and probably never did. This is nothing new, women and men play this same head trippin mind game all the time, it's the cost of freedom, so enjoy the game people. Bit of advise, if a person in a relationship is constantly berating you with "You could be this _____ but instead your this _____.", says they don't believe in love, relationships and want to be independant, you have more than enough clues to be hanging around trying to make someone change and love you. It's not going to happen. Give the fuck up and bail… or watch this movie and see yourself in poor poor Tom. I don't care.

This scene pissed me off, he just got his ass beat for defending her from an overzealous drunk that wouldn't stop trying to hit on her and started insulting her for being with "what, this guy?", and she gets all pissed off and screams, "I can handle myself!"
I thought, "Really? Because you were obviously doing such a good job of it."
But there's another clue people, she didn't want him to defend her or ward off other guys and would be suitors… and didn't care what they said about him even right to her face. I've actually been in this exact situation, so I know just how fucking infuriating it can be. Not to be the guru of bad relationships within a movie review, but that would have been when I would have bailed.

 

And here we have the obligatory song and dance number, after he has sex with her for the first time, showing us, just how happy and in love with her he is. THIS actually made me laugh.
 

Movie Rating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆ 

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